Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
