someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
