I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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