yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
