its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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