mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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