I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my being single is dangerous.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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