You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
