i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
