I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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