Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
