I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
