I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
