the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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