he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
