guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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