The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
