dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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