lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize