Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
everyone is single if you try hard enough
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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