My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
