i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
