So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
