My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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