We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
