just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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