my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
