I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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