I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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