I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
