There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
