OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
