If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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