So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
