I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
