i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
