I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
