I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
false alarm. still invincible.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize