I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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