12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
