Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What a dumb baby whore.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
