I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
