i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
