there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
