So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
