I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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