There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
