TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
