the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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