Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
