Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
