I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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