i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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