You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize