it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
