He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
