the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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