So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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